Emmanuel

Our baby was stillborn on 26th April 2011.

We are unsure as to the gender of the baby, who we were able to say hello and goodbye to yesterday.  They were beautiful.  King David said of his baby that passed away in 2 Samuel that he would go to him, and we believe that we will see our baby again.

Our baby's name is Emmanuel, which means God With Us.  We called them this because despite this being the hardest thing that we have ever been through, we know that God is with us, He never leaves us, He gives us strength and peace and lifts our heads.

Thank you for sharing in our excitement with us over the last few months.  I will probably share more of my thoughts about this on my own blog.

18 weeks...

Sooo...about 22 weeks to go! Not that I'm counting down. While I'm loving baking our little treasure, this has been a tough pregnancy - physically - I have to admit.

Eighteen weeks in, now in our fifth month or down 126 days, our baby is between 11cm - 13cm long. Her legs are longer than her arms and she can wriggle and stretch! Today, we were called into see a doctor (long story; I've had a water infection which I apparently had for a week previously - that's how much I pay attention - and they thought it had spread to the kidneys. Blood, gunk and all that. Not pretty. I shant go into it. Actually convinced I was in labour - excruciating pain last night so I rang the midwife who told me to scoot into the gynae ward but we left it 'til this afternoon.) and we saw our little fish again! As the doctor was showing Daddy, the baby jumped very hard which looked big and dramatic on the screen but I just felt a tiny tap. Precious it was. No photos from this one though, it was just to check the heartbeat and that the baby was ok! Which they very much are, thank the Lord. In BabyLand, her chest moves up and down to mimic breathing. Her blood vessels are visible through her thin skin, and her ears are now in their final position, although they're still standing out from her head a bit, I imagine a little Shrek like.

Josiah is starting to notice my tummy now and has started playing Peek-a-Boo with it (it's very hysterical!) and giving little kisses. Beautiful, love it. We now have Baby which was an Easter gift from Granny C & Granddad along with a super buggy. This is to get Josiah used to little ones and he's been so good and gentle so far. With the occasional sticking of thumbs in the eyes etc. But many kisses, cuddles and strokes down the line, he is actually the cutest 15 month old in the history of the world, especially when you see him with babies, real or plastic.

I can't wait for three to become four!!

A Father Writes ... about girls.

I wish to make the following clear: I will happily accept a daughter, on the proviso that at one point in my life, my precious princess says "Daddy, my daddy!" after I get off a train <sobs>

A Father Writes ...

So I suppose the question that so many of the readers are wanting to know in this my first post to this blog is "does John want a boy or a girl?".

There is a fair to good chance that this is going to be it for us, the last sprog which we decide to create (or are enabled to create by our Heavenly Father, depending on your world view), bearing in mind how much physical pain Stel has been in already (23 weeks to go!).  And so,with that in mind, I find myself having far stronger views on what the gender of our little one is going to be.

In many ways, I would like another boy.  In terms of physiology I know where I am at with a boy.  There's nothing foreign anywhere for me to get to grips with, as it were.  I know what I'm doing.  Plus we have an awesome boy's name lined up, he can play football etc. with Jo (not that a girl can't), and they would be the cutest two little kids you ever would see.

But on the other hand, I already have a boy, and it would be marvelous to also have a little princess, with a little wool cap in the winter, and a bonnet in the summer, playing with her dolls ... yeah I want another boy.  Sorry baby if you're a girl.

Ow...

I had no idea Braxton Hicks were so uncomfortable, really crampy! They started yesterday morning, much to my surprise. The only experience I've ever had with them was when I was carrying Josiah and they really didn't hurt or even feel uncomfortable, I just felt my tummy get very tight all of a sudden. They were absolutely painless. Now I understand why doctors and midwives are at such loggerheads about them; some claim you shouldn't feel them, some claim you should. I read they start about six weeks of your pregnancy. But, the more pregnancies you have, the more you will feel them. Odd hey? One of the reasons I might be feeling them more intensely at present, is because our little fish is undergoing a growth spurt over the next few weeks.

It's really amazing having all these pregnancy quandaries again - I love being pregnant!

17 weeks...

It actually doesn't seem possible. Just a few more weeks to go until we see our little fish again, who is now nearly 11cm long from crown to rump! His eyes look forward instead of to the sides, their ears are almost in their final place, and the rubbery cartilage that will become his skeleton is about to start hardening into bone. A protective substance called myelin slowly begins to wrap around his spinal cord. Sweat glands are starting to develop all over his body. Just as he grows bigger, the umbilical cord, his lifeline to the placenta, is growing stronger and thicker, too. Enough about the placenta though. We don't want to make certain aunties pass out and hit the floor.

My ever expanding uterus has done something to my centre of gravity and I've been all over the shop, especially today (no pun intended!). Walking into things has become a way of life now, I definitely remember this from last time!

Sleep has been interrupted ever since the beginning of the first trimester, and not because Josiah is up all hours, but because I am, for no reason in particular, except my body has decided it must be so. Do not like. And most certainly do not appreciate. My bladder appears to be filling quick and fast at night though.

The great thing is that I am definitely getting my energy back so Jo and I have been having excellent fun, chasing each other around the playground and rolling about the living room floor. The rolling with Mummy will probably have to stop fairly soon though. Shape wise, the smooth rolling wouldn't really work.

And thanks to hayfever (this is why you don't get pregnant so your heaviest time is in the summer) I have been sneezing a lot and it always seems to happen when I'm sitting in a certain position and catch a muscle in my tummy. It hurts! This is pretty much down to all that stretching going on. Like my tummy could possibly stretch anymore. Ha! But it can, apparently.

The other weekend, we were at my folks for the first BBQ of the year. For some reason, we thought it would be a laugh to have our blood sugar tested as soon as we finished eating. One by one, we did. I had the highest, at 7.9 (John was 6.2 - my dad was 4.2, despite polishing off an awful lot of food. How he wasn't in a coma before eating, I'll never know.) Anyway, so obviously I have to keep an eye on the sugar, particularly as diabetes is on the maternal side. Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish.

Signing off now! I've babbled a bit much.

Midwife appointment...

I had my midwife appointment today.

Grace & Josiah accompanied me which was a treat. All well and good. We have a big African midwife who will see me through the whole pregnancy. I think she is smashing and makes me laugh a lot. Josiah wasn't too enamored with her, bless him, especially when she playfully growled at him for taking her seat (well, she had moved across the room to do other things - it was a leather seat with wheels too, he knows his tastes). Anyway. She confirmed there was indeed a baby in my tummy as she listened to the heartbeat, which I took as meaning our baby had a good strong one! It was lovely that Josiah was there to hear the heartbeat, and Grace too. The looks on their faces when they heard it was priceless! Josiah looked completely bewildered and couldn't take his eyes off my tummy and Grace's jaw quite literally fell to the floor.

Precious.

So the next appointment isn't 'til 28 weeks - second pregnancies they're less bothered by it appears! In the meantime, we have a scan, a glucose tolerance test and plenty of bopping about in mummy's tummy to get on with!

Can't wait.

Friends & Prayer...

We had friends from our home group come and pray for our baby and my back tonight. I brushed off the idea of them coming to pray for my back because I thought it sounded like I was a massive hypochondriac but that was clearly just pride. So, they came, prayed and conquered and I am very grateful for the loving, supportive friends we have.

In the words of Max Lucado, God can do the very thing He is best at; replacing death with life. We should expect Him to do this in every aspect of our life.

16 weeks...

We are now into the 16th week! Part of which I have spent crippled, so that hasn't been so great. I'm still waiting for my physio date to come through so as soon as that starts, the better.

Our little treasure is now some 10cm long from crown to rump, roughly about the size of an avocado, and weighs about 100g. In the next three weeks they will go through a 'tremendous growth spurt' so expect to see some added size to The Bump. Our baby's head is more erect than it has been, and her eyes have moved closer to the front of her head. Her circulatory system and urinary tract are in full working order, and she's inhaling and exhaling amniotic fluid through her lungs. Amazing. Really amazing. There's actually a human the size of an avocado in my tummy! And a playful one too - apparently, they now start to play around and the umbilical cord is their new play thing. Not at all odd.

Other than the crippled thing, all is very well!

Fifteen Week Bump...

15 weeks...

Time seems to be moving faster and faster, and my tummy seems to be growing at the same speed! It's truly mad. I expected to be bigger quicker with this one, but this is some size so early. I really love having a bump.

I got my GTT test date today which is 27 June. Not looking forward to that so much, it sounds gross.

So fifteen weeks in! Our scrumptious baby weighs in at only about 70g. He measures nearly 9.1cm long, crown to rump. Our tiny tenant frequently gets the hiccups (how cute!), which babies learn to do before breathing. Babies don't make any sound because their windpipe (trachea) is filled with fluid rather than air. Can't imagine that. Strange thought. Our baby's legs are growing longer than his arms now and all his joints and limbs can move. And if we looked through a scan, we could tell whether he really was a he or a she!

We are definitely finding out, we can't imagine not!! Ahhh, patience. What a virtue.

Flutters...

So Junior has been on the move a LOT this week! I officially feel pregnant. I forgot what a beautiful feeling it is, aside from the times it seems the baby leaps onto my bladder. This has only happened once to be fair but I remember Josiah doing that when he was a lot bigger than 14 and a half weeks; painful times but fun all the same. I haven't felt constant movement just yet as the baby is still so tiny but it's comforting to know they're ok in there. I mainly feel it when I'm sitting down or lying in bed. Apparently they have a preference as to what side I lie on already. Imagine! They clearly know what they want, just like their big brother.

A little reminder to oneself...

As luxurious and comforting as they are, don't have baths where you boil yourself like a prawn and turn as red as a tomato. In all seriousness, it lowers your blood pressure and you get very dizzy when you get out!!

14 weeks...

And we've rolled into the second trimester!

So, this pregnancy hasn't been a great one to be honest. I loved being pregnant with Jo, and I love the feeling of being pregnant with this little treasure but symptom-wise, it's been a tad unpleasant! The nausea is very, verrry slowly easing off. Tiredness still reigns supreme, (i.e. I was in bed by 8:45 last night. Oh, I know how to live!) but then I do have a 14 month old to run around after, especially as he literally is running around now. Love it! Beautiful times. And sciatica is extraordinarily painful. I had it much later into the pregnancy last time, about 20 odd weeks when I really started to show, but this started at 9 weeks and has got progressively more painful. Slightly concerned at how sore it is currently as my legs keep giving way and I've ended up on the floor this week more times than I have had hot baths...this week. And that's a lot. My dad has kindly offered to book me an appointment with his physio but I'll see a doctor first and go from there. Oh the dramas!!

Now, onto more important things - I'm going to use 'her' in this post because I can't be bothered to keep writing 'the baby'. Next post I'll use 'he' and alternate. Ok; crown to rump, our baby is about 8cm long and weighs about 40g. Her body is now growing faster than her head so looks a little less alien like! This week, her parchment-thin skin is starting to cover itself with ultra-fine, downy hair (lanugo in doctor speak) that usually disappears before birth. Though her eyebrows are beginning to grow and the hair on top of her head is sprouting, this hair may change in both texture and colour after birth. We're having another sweepstake on the colourings and sex of this one!! We're currently imagining a tiny Josiah but it will be utterly fascinating to see what they really look like. We can't wait! We've had three people convinced this one is a girl, which will be great fun as we recently had a niece and a goddaughter and everyone seems to be producing girls these days. It's like a fad! Anyhoo. I think I might be one of those women that only produce boys, I can't imagine having a girl at all. Though my mother slightly freaks me out when she predicts things. She told me I was pregnant before I even did a test, both times. And now is one of the three that thinks it's a girl. But whoever God gives us, we will love immeasurably and be eternally grateful for!

12 week scan...

We saw our bouncing little baby again today at our nuchal scan! This is where they check the fluid on the back of the neck and check for Downs Syndrome and any other congenital defects. It took about ten minutes for the baby to uncurl themselves but once they got going, there quite literally was no stopping them exercising! It was very beautiful, albeit frustrating for the sonographer (Carmel Lacy - brilliant name) who eventually took about fifty minutes in total getting measurements. The baby even did a certain action that reminded us sooo much of their big brother, the similarity was astonishing, even in utero!

However, we now have to go back to Kings on the 9th May for our 20 week scan for a two hour scan. This is because, after combining the results of the nuchal measurements and my blood results, they found there could be a higher chance of the baby either having Downs Syndrome or a heart defect. This had gone from 1 in 900 just from the scan to 1 in 24 combined with my blood results. Because of my age too, they tried really hard to convince us to have a CVS which we point blank refused and said we'd wait for the 20 week scan. So all in all, not a great time.

However, despite the emotions of the day leaving us feeling completely drained and shattered, we continue to trust in God for the future to come and know His gift is the best one we could ever have! We can't wait. We know that even though it's a bit scary and a bit stressful, this is just statistics and just a 'possible'. God reigns!

Bed time.

Shoes...

These aren't my Christian Louboutin's. Regretfully. I shall never own a pair. But my point is, after having Josiah I fully expected my feet to shrink back to their normal size. The fact of the actual matter is, they have stayed just as they were the whole 9 months and I have had to give away a number of my favourite shoes. One pair I bought in the Next sale and was chuffed to bits with (massive bargain). I wore them once (just once! One evening!) and ended up giving them to my sister because they literally crippled me. Maybe after this pregnancy they might shrink back...just maybe. Maybe they're just waiting til I've had my brood and then zap back to a regular size...ha ha! Oh imagine.

Molting...

I totally forgot about this side effect of pregnancy! John strolled out of the bathroom the other day, lamenting about how he's having to frequently clear the plughole again. It's not attractive to say the least, not that I'm waking up with clumps of hair on my pillow but it's quite weird how much comes out once I've washed my hair each day!

Praise the Lord...!

On Thursday after work, I started to bleed a little. On Friday, I started cramping, which ended up lasting for three days, and bled some more. So, on Saturday morning we saw the doctor who sent a fax across to EPDU (Early Pregnancy Diagnostics Unit) so I could get a scan today to see what was going on. It was stressful enough knowing we wouldn't know a thing until today at the earliest but then last night, I had cramps and lost a fair bit of blood which was actually really frightening so I was convinced of the worst, as you would be. I would have lost the plot if it wasn't for John who stayed very calm and collected. So we prayed and went to sleep, remembering who was in control.

This morning, Josiah & I went to the EPDU and waited...and waited. About 2 hours in total. He did very well, walking around all the chairs shouting 'all gone! all gone!'. He kept me calm! We were finally seen by a very nice lady who lives down our road. Not at all odd. I couldn't look at the screen at all because I was so nervous but turned immediately when she said hello to our baby and confirmed that they were, in fact, absolutely fine and dandy. Relief isn't the word!! Obviously there were tears. Our little one was quite literally bouncing off the walls of my uterus, and even did a back flip, almost as if they were reassuring me that they were ok. It was incredible and we are immensely grateful to God for protecting our baby and keeping us sane over the last few days.

No explanation for the bleeding but I've been advised to 'take it easy' for a few days. Ok then!

GTT...

I've been told I have to have a glucose tolerance test at 28 weeks. I'm not sure why I didn't have one last time as the factors for possible gestational diabetes were still there!

This is the plan: I will be asked to eat normally in the three days leading up to the test. The evening before the test I have to stop eating before 10 pm and not have anything to eat or drink, apart from water, until the test the next day.

Yay.

Booking Appointment...

Today, Auntie Elle & Josiah accompanied me to my booking appointment. It was lovely! I bought Elle along incase Jo got a bit cranky (which he did towards the very end - it was a two hour appointment to be fair) so they skiddadled while I got my bloods done. They were very well done I have to say, and told the nurse so.

I don't remember it taking as long last time but still, it was a lovely feeling being back there. I've been assigned one midwife who will see me through the whole 4o weeks, which I didn't have last time and because I'm classed as low risk, I'll be starting my labour in The Oasis (a new department in the maternity unit which opened last year). It has three birthing pools, entinox and pethadine facilities and apparently is a home away from home. If I decide I want an epidural, which is pretty much a massive given, I'll just be whisked next door and hooked up.

Almost looking forward to labour now!

I got weighed which wasn't as bad as expected. This pre-pregnancy weigh-in said I'm only half a stone heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight with Josiah. I thought I'd put on about two stone since having him but apparently not. The midwife said that with pregnancy number two, you put less weight on. It's helped that I have very specific tastes right now. I can't bear the thought of heavy foods like lasange or beef casserole. I can do salmon, chicken, salads and such like. I can't do tea, coffee, hot chocolate or squash. I can do water or milkshake. Or Lilt. With Josiah, I only went off a few things but it's taken me days, quite literally, to work out what I want to eat or drink!!

Grrr...very frustrating. Interesting though.

Dating Scan #2...

We had our second dating scan last week.

I was a little nervous incase they still couldn't see anything but I didn't need to be. We saw our precious little dumpling very clearly, with arms and legs and it's teeny tiny heartbeat! I never saw Jo's heartbeat as I didn't know what I was looking for but this one was so clear, it was incredible. I hadn't been feeling pregnant at all (aside from the grim nausea and sickness) probably because I've been distracted with Josiah but as soon as we saw our little one's heart beating ninety to the dozen, I felt immense love!! The picture isn't as clear as the scan was but we'll get a photo up shortly. It looks like a kidney bean with legs!!

Due date is 26th September, there's only one tiny Stevens inside and I'm now (very, very nearly - tomorrow in fact) ten weeks. Three weeks to go til the second trimester - apparently thirteen weeks not twelve weeks.

Who knew!

Caesar Salad...

A first craving has appeared!

I didn't really have cravings as such in my last pregnancy, it was more things that I went off. So the first craving of this pregnancy is a caesar salad with ham and sliced boiled egg. John is repulsed everytime I crave this as he hates boiled egg with a passion. I haven't had one since I was in the brethren so it's quite weird that I've suddenly craved it after years of not having one!

John was co-cheffing at the Curry Club again last night so I had a lovely salad for lunch and dinner!

It was delightful.

That'll learn me...

I went to Morrisons today about 4pm. Without having any lunch...

I ended up passing out in the cereal aisle! I felt a bit light-headed on the way there but on my way round I felt everything closing in and everything sounded like I was underwater. It was quite scary actually. So I grabbed a packet of biscuits and ate four very quickly (I later paid for them of course) and some very kind lady made sure I was with it before I hastily pushed Jo away! Felt shattered afterwards though went on a massive sugar spending spree so now our cupboards are stocked with cereals like Golden Nuggets and Crunchy Nut Clusters. What larks!

Note to self: eat regularly to avoid very low blood sugar, especially when you have a child to care for!

Dating Scan #1...

We had a dating scan today purely because my GP seemed a little suprised at the size of my tummy currently. As there is a three week window for the nuchal scan between 10-13 weeks, he wanted to be sure my dates were correct incase we missed it. Apparently they are fine! In fact, so much so we have to go back on the 16th February for another scan as they could only measure the gestational sac and not our baby. Not that I'm complaining as we may actually get to see our little cherub next time (albeit an extremely tiny cherub). So today we didn't see our number 2 but we did get to see their house!!

And no, there aren't two in there. Yet...the sonographer did mention that because it's still early, if there are two sacs, they clump together as one until the babies are more developed. Much to John's delight. But no twins. No twins.

No.

It would be pretty awesome though!!

Madness...

So at only 5 weeks 3 days I have developed a rounded tummy already! I can no longer fit into my work trousers or regular jeans and have a maternity top ordered for me at work. I appreciate I was a mammoth whale when I was expecting Josiah but this is crazy stuff so early. The doctor is sending me for a dating scan as even she was suprised but I'm pretty sure the first date was the right one. I apparently just have big babies! Lovely and chunky, just the way we like them!

Psalm 139 verse 13-18...

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me,[a] O God.

They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up, you are still with me!

Scratch...

Weirdest thing: since I got pregnant, I've had the itchiest skin on my back and around my neck. Thought it might have been new shower gel or bath foam but realised I haven't actually been using anything out the ordinary. But I found out my best friend had exactly the same thing in her first trimester, which is a relief to know. It's driving me crazy! Poor John's been kept busy in the evenings.

Sleepy...

So today was Josiah's first birthday - immense it was. Great fun was hopefully had by all! It's hard to believe our baby boy is now a one year old throwing himself off sofas and screaming round the corner on his fire engine. Utter gorgeousness.

The poor little sausage has had to deal with having an occasional unannounced snooze with me in the afternoons this last week as I'm finding it increasingly hard to keep my eyes open come 3pm. I don't remember this in my last pregnancy but I could just fall asleep whenever I wanted then. At work on Saturday I had to go outside fairly frequently to get some fresh air to try and wake myself up - I was totally convinced I was going to fall asleep. Crazy stuff. Never felt this tired in my life!

Such joys...

Never thought I'd see the day...!

I've gone off chocolate. Literally. The sight of a Dairy Milk or any other sort of confectionary repulses me. In place of these once loved sugary treats comes Butterkist Toffee Popcorn. Oh yes! Our cupboard is suitably stocked of the stuff. I'm not going overboard with it...honest.

Here we are again...!

We recently found out that a little brother or sister is on the way for Josiah! Thrilled doesn't begin to describe how we're feeling, we're so excited at the prospect of a second little one. EDD is 26th September 2011, Grandpa Phil & Grandma Judy's anniversary. A very busy month for birthdays in our family so what's one more...

Josiah's been such a good, easy baby and we've been very blessed with that, but we are more than aware that no two babies are the same so we're very intrigued to find out just what sort of character our next one will have! Thankfully, Jo's very good with tiny ones as proved by his gentle treatment with his baby girl cousin, Abigail, and our goddaughter Eva, who he gently caresses and holds hands with - such a smoothie! I'm sure the occasional habit of biting their fingers and laughing as he does so will ease off. His treatment of very small people will likely change as he gets older but, day by day.

This pregnancy has advanced much quicker in symptoms than my pregnancy with Josiah. I've been feeling very nauseous, especially in the mornings/early afternoon and have been taking myself to bed about 8:30pm most evenings, barely able to keep my eyes open! I had an inkling I was pregnant as I had been smelling things no-one else could, and the strangest ones at that (medication at work for example). I experienced something similar when I was expecting Josiah. Certain smells on people has been a regular one, which is really bizarre. The strangest one is the smell of food and I can detect it on almost everybody - slightly like a bacon and onion frying smell. That's my superpower! And I promise I won't stand next to you sniffing. Still, no weird cravings or anything like that, yet.

Watch this space...